Female Friendship Myths

I came across a fantastic article that debunks female friendship myths:
The Top 4 Myths About Female Friendships by Rori Boyce

Movies and television shows don't exactly portray female friendships in the most realistic way, so Boyce clarifies some of these common myths.  Below is an excerpt of myth #2 and #3:

"Myth #2: Being Friends Means Being in Constant Contact (Facebook Doesn't Count)
Honestly, I haven't had this kind of friendship since I was in college and it was much easier back then because we all lived in the same dorm, took the same classes, and did the same thing on Friday night. And yet, I have found myself questioning how "good" my friendships are because I don't have this kind of constant daily contact with the friends I would consider the closest.

In truth, some days I don't even have anything all that interesting to share with my husband, who lives in the same house, shares most aspects of my life, and does the same thing I do on Friday night. So the idea that I would have something meaningful to share with my friends that often seems a little silly. It is okay to have as much or as little contact as each individual friendship requires. Not talking every day or even every week is not a sign that you aren't good friends; it is a sign that you are grown women with busy lives. 

Myth #3: Real Friendships are Easy to Sustain
The older I have grown, the less true this has become. There was a time that friendships just "were" and I didn't have to work too hard to make them or sustain them... it was called high school and had everything to do with proximity. But in the grown-up world, we are raising children, running errands, and hoping to find a single hour for ourselves so we can go to yoga. This leaves little time for female bonding, heartfelt chats, and girls night out.

In truth, having friends, keeping friends, and especially making new friends requires time, energy, and effort. We live in a world where meeting new people and establishing new relationships of any kind is hard work. This is why so many people have turned to online dating to find a mate. Friendships are no different than romantic relationships in this regard which is why websites geared toward helping people make friends are flourishing. Let go of the idea that "real" friendship only happens organically; it is as mythical as the idea that all you need to make a marriage work is love."

It's important to examine these myths since a lot of women put pressure on themselves for not having a gazillion friends or for not seeing their friends every week.  Especially as we get older and have limited time, friendships will ebb and flow, which is not a good or bad thing...it is what it is.  The more we acknowledge the reality of our friendships and let go of these unobtainable expectations, the more we appreciate the people in our life and allow the friendship to flow naturally.  Furthermore, as long as we're putting ourselves out there, reaching out to our friends and investing time and energy, the friendship will maintain itself.  There is no "perfect" friendship, and if we're willing and able to accept that, we'll find we are much happier in our relationships.

What do you think about the article?  Do you agree with these myths?

Book Signing!

Downtown Mesa just set up their holiday decorations.  Bonny Books will be hosting a few of your favorite authors and Downtown will have 20 artists unveiling public art and 10 live bands in shops or on Main Street.

Author Lineup:
6pm - 7pm Linda Smock
7pm - 8pm Nicole Zangara
8pm - 9pm To Be Announced

Where:
Lulubell Toy Bodega
128 W Main Street
Mesa, AZ 85201

Hope to see you there!

The Power of Femship

Femship...that's right, ladies.  Here's a term you need to start using with your best friends.  I came across a fantastic article that explores positive benefits of female friendship...er, femship: Women With Strong Female Friendships Have a Surprising Advantage Over The Rest of Us by Elizabeth Plank.

An excerpt from the article:

"Having each other's backs makes women unstoppable. The femship might be key to providing women with the critical mass they need to reach parity with men. "Female friendship helps women get the upper hand in the world," Sklar explained. "It's advantageous for me when my bestie does well. Not only does it make me look good that I'm hanging out with a baller, or shall I say an egger, but it also increases my own sense of opportunity because the opportunities for me improve, too."

She's right. When women work together, they also succeed together. So although we love to snack on slideshows of Beyoncé and Jay Z's latest tropical vacation while we impatiently await Amal and George Clooney's impending world domination, the thought of seeing more female friendship pop in our newsfeeds should make us giddy. Celebrating friendship, rather than competition, between women will help the next generation of women embrace, rather than resent, the strong women around them. In a world still ridden with gender inequality, femships may be the game-changer we've been waiting for. Cheers a Big Mac with your bestie to that."

Women are shown in the media as either in competition with each other or fighting over a man.  That's not so accurate in reality.  Plank shows pictures of femships, such as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, Serena Williams and Caroline Wozniacki, as well as Nicki Minaj and Beyonce.  These are some great femship role models that exhibit healthy friendships, as well as healthy competition.

When we're around strong women, it encourages us to become stronger as well.  We learn to work together for a common goal and to push each other to become our best selves.  Behold, the femship!  

Friendship Break Ups

I came across this article, which covers such a sad, but common topic I get asked about when discussing female friendship: The Day My Best Friend Broke Up With Me by Annabelle Gurwitch

Gurwitch shares her friendship break up story, and how she learned a lot about herself through the process.

Hope you find the article as interesting as I did.

Friendship Quotes/Images

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
―C.S. Lewis

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate." ―Linda Grayson

 
 
 

Life's Too Short For Crappy Friends

I stumbled upon this great article with a very direct and well-said point: life's too short for crappy friends.

In the article, Anna Lind Thomas explores what it means to have a good friend versus a crappy one.  She gives a positive message to women who may be struggling with being the "cool" or "popular" ones, and why it's important to live your life for you, instead of constantly seeking approval from others.  The more you improve yourself, the more others want to be around you and you'll have meaningful, healthy relationships.  It's a win-win!

An excerpt from the article:
"There are obvious signs you might be in a friendship you shouldn’t be in. Obvious signs could include that the person makes you feel bad about yourself, you’re constantly paranoid about losing the friendship, or the person blatantly uses you and may even be mean and verbally abusive towards you from time to time.

But there are subtle signs too. They don’t outwardly treat you badly, but there’s just something about the way they interact with you that makes you feel inadequate. Sometimes you decide to hide certain aspects of yourself because you’re not convinced they’ll like or accept all of you. Sometimes you’ll start compromising your values to have something in common. Sometimes you find yourself acting like the person you think they want to be friends with rather than just being the precious being you are.

Sometimes, even though you’re surrounded by “friends,” you start to feel lonely and insecure. They’re your friends, but the friendship has limits. Maybe your feelings don’t matter if they inconvenience them or if you ever share that they have hurt your feelings, they decide you’re a little too exhausting to keep around."

It's not worth it or healthy to keep a friendship that makes you feel bad or inferior.  The goal is to have friends who lift you up, make you smile after a difficult day and appreciate all of your (good and bad) qualities.  I agree with Thomas in that I'd rather have one great friend than many who are fake and catty.  That one friendship would provide a lifetime of positive experiences than having many friends who would drain, exhaust or cause tension.  Who wants that?!  Life is waaaaay too short for crappy friends!

Friendship and Therapy

Check out this article I was interviewed for:
Does your friendship need therapy by Anna North

We often think of couples going to counseling, not friends.  This article explores why therapy may be helpful for those friendships that need an outside perspective.  As a therapist myself, I think it's a great idea, as it would improve the overall quality of the friendship, including any issues with communication.  If the friendship is worth saving, therapy would be a logical next step.

What do you think?  Would you seek therapy with your friend?

Another Reason I Like Mindy Kaling...

If you're a fan of Mindy Kaling, you'll like this article:
Mindy Kaling Is Right, Friends Are Hard to Find by Dyanne Weiss

The article asks the question that I get asked all of the time: As adults, how do we make friends?

An excerpt from the article:
"Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, has written a lot about the difficulty of making friends. She suggests that people join or form a group that at least have one common interest – e.g., the yoga class, a book group and other things that at least give one exposure to someone new. The key thing is to keep trying, do not be afraid to seek people out (and possibly get rejected), and make the effort to keep the friendship going. Some people never initiate outings, but welcome the invitation; so keep inviting.

Kaling confided to fans at the event, “The only thing I want to do in the next five years is make a new good friend.” I can relate. As we get older, it gets hard to find good friends with are just right for where your life is at are heading and, for Mindy Kaling, being in the public eye does not help."

It does take putting yourself out there to make friends.  Another way I've found helpful is meeting people through your friends' friends and getting to know them.  This allows your social circle to expand through your various networks of existing friends, as that is most easily accessible to you.  The goal is to keep trying and to not give up.

It's also validating to know that even Mindy struggles with this.  Hey, Mindy, we could be friends?!

Long-Distance Friendships

I came across this article on why long-distance friendships are awesome, which I couldn't agree more!  One of my best friends from graduate school lives in another state and our friendship has never been stronger because we both put in the effort and time to keep it going through emails, phone calls and text messages.

10 Reasons Why Long-Distance Friendships Make For The Strongest Bonds by Kirsten Corley

What's been your experience with long-distance friendships?  Do you agree with the article?

Upcoming Ladies Brunch

If you are in the Phoenix area on Saturday, August 15th, please attend a ladies brunch presented by Bonny Books at the Dobson Ranch Saratoga Recreation Center in Mesa.  I'll be speaking on the topic of female friendship.

Cost: $25

Time: 10 am to 12 pm

You can sign up and buy tickets on Facebook or on Bonny Books.

Hope to see you there!

Her Campus Article

I'm excited to share an article I was interviewed for by Her Campus:
5 Signs It's Time to End a Friendship by Lillian Skye Noble

Feel free to leave comments about the article!  :-)

Fun Female Friendship Images/Quotes

 

  

Follow-up to Mighty Married Moms Interview

Mighty Married Moms come together for a follow-up discussion after their interview with me.  Check it out!

You can also can listen to the interview.

Enjoy!

Interview

Check out this interview (watch it on YouTube below or click on link below the video to listen to the audio interview) with Mighty Married Moms!   I discuss my book, as well as various topics about female friendship.

Click here to listen to the audio interview

Enjoy!

From Sassy to Sociable

Please note this is not female friendship related, but I'm helping another female professional!

Please check out this live, online course starting in June that helps parents who are having difficulty with their children between the ages of 11 and 18.  Deborah Owen is a certified parent and life coach, who has spent thousands of hours learning the latest strategies in effective parenting, motivation, personal success, and brain science.

Course details: 
- Week 1: The 5 Super Simple Steps to Calm Parenting. Once you know these, you will be able to control not only your own emotions, but the situation, immediately. THIS is the key to everything!

- Week 2: Take Inventory of the Big Picture. How do you know what you want your kids to learn? 

Find out here!

- Week 3: Divide and Conquer - NOT! Your child will no longer be able to manipulate you and your parenting partner.

- Week 4: Respect and Responsibility. How to get your kids to do what you ask, the first time. Seriously.

Click on this link below to sign up:
From Sassy to Sociable

Famous Women on Female Friendship

Ever wonder about what your favorite celebrities or idols think about female friendship?  Below are some direct quotes from some fab women!  Check out other quotes from 25 Famous Women on Female Friendship by Julie Ma.

Nora Ephron
“The thing with friends when you get older — I mean this is not anything I haven't written about — is they can't be replaced. When you're 30, you accumulate friends and you shed friends and you get closer at certain moments to some than others. And you have a huge bench of friends. And then that's just not true.” — Salon, November 2010

Sarah Jessica Parker
"I think so much reality television — and the women that dominate culture today — are pretty unfriendly towards one another. They use language that's really objectionable and cruel and not supportive. I like to remember that Carrie and the other women in Sex and the City were really nice to each other … [Carrie] was a really good friend. That's why they can forgive those very apparent flaws and [selfishness]. She was a deeply devoted friend, and I think women really respond to that kind of connection. I think we all want it, we all work towards having it, and we're not always the very best friends we can be." —Harper’s Bazaar U.K., April 2014

Mindy Kaling
"One friend with whom you have a lot in common is better than three with whom you struggle to find things to talk about. We never needed best friend gear because I guess with real friends you don’t have to make it official. It just is." —Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?, September 2012

Gloria Steinem
“Women understand. We may share experiences, make jokes, paint pictures, and describe humiliations that mean nothing to men, but women understand. The odd thing about these deep and personal connections of women is that they often ignore barriers of age, economics, worldly experience, race, culture — all the barriers that, in male or mixed society, had seemed so difficult to cross.” —New York Magazine, December 1971

Kate Hudson
“We had this bridal shower for my sister-in-law, and my mom made this speech, and she said, ‘I want all the girls to look around the room and, even if you don’t know each other, even if you’re just getting to know each other, or even if it’s your sister, I want you to remember one thing: trust me. Men, they come and go. They always will. Hopefully, they stay. But, it’s the girl that’s sitting next to you, or the girl that’s sitting across from you, that’s going to get you through everything.’ … That’s really important — that idea of not losing sight, no matter where you go in your life with men, because women give a lot to men. We love relationships. We thrive in them, as we should. But, sometimes, you lose sight of the girls that are there for you, all the time, which we shouldn’t hold against any of our friends. I have a girlfriend right now, who’s off and running with somebody, but we’re always there [for each other]. When she’s ready to pick up the phone and go, ‘I don’t know what to do,’ we’re all there.” —Collider, January 2009

Friendship Articles

Check out two articles I was interviewed for:

8 Signs You're Being Passive-Aggressive by Natasha Burton

What Not to Say to Your Friends by Linda Bernstein

Enjoy!

Book Signing

Do you like coffee?  Do you like to read?  I have the event for you!

I'll be selling and signing books at Lo Fi Coffee in Mesa on Saturday, May 2nd from 9 to 11 am.

Details:
Facebook event

Hope to see you there!

How To Date and Spend Time With Your Friends

I came across an article that discusses what many of us experience when we're dating: trying to keep up with your friendships while in a romantic relationship.  In 3 Ways to Maintain Your Friendships While Falling in Love, Gabriel offers great suggestions to make it work.

An excerpt: 
"Integrate Your Life

There seems to be an ever increasing trend of separating out the many different people in our lives. By the time we graduate from college, many of us will have college friends, high-school friends, work friends, and then our boyfriend. But it’s no wonder we can find balancing friendships stressful—we are literally juggling them, refusing to let them bump into one another. Quit the circus and let your friends mix; it makes it easier on you and gives your friends the opportunity to broaden their own circles.
  
CALL A HAPPY HOUR AND INVITE EVERYONE
My brother-in-law does this and I think it’s genius. Send out a Google Calendar or Facebook invite to all of your friends and then sit back and relax. Your friends will make new contacts while you touch base with a handful of your friends. If you’re sick of happy hours, try arranging a hike. Hiking provides an excellent and  natural way for people to mingle; you are usually walking two-by-two, but inevitably, someone falls behind and another person moves up!

DOUBLE DATE
It is a shame that more people don’t regularly double date. Invite your friend and her boyfriend for dinner or even just after-dinner drinks. If your friend is single, have your boyfriend produce a single friend to bring along too. This conveniently allows you to spend time with your boyfriend and girlfriend in a natural way and provides an opportunity for your friends to get to know your boyfriend—which helps when you need a second opinion."

Would you offer any other suggestions?  What works for you?

Happy Galentine's Day!

I realize I'm a month late (hey, better late than never!), but found this great article about best friends in the music industry. Would you add any other BFFs?

Happy Galentine's Day! 18 Female Friendships in Music by Jeff Benjamin and Ariel LeBeau

NASW

I'm excited to share an article that ran in the March 2015 NASW (National Association of Social Workers) newsletter:
Social Work in the Public Eye

(Scroll down to the bottom of the page to view the article.)

If you haven't read the article it's referring to, click the link below:
Why is it difficult to make friends after 30?

Upcoming Radio Interview

Mark your calendars!  I'll be interviewed on the radio by Francesca Luca on March 7th about my book.

Details below:
Saturday 3/7/15 from 7-8:00 am on 1510 AM WMEX RADIO Boston and 106.1 FM Newburyport
Talk With Francesca

OR after the interview airs, click on the link below to listen in if you're not in these areas:
Recent Shows

Articles To Share!

Check out some articles I was interviewed for:

The Break Up with Anything Guide by Tanya Sharma

Be a Better Long-Distance Friend by Natasha Burton

Why is it difficult to make friends after 30? by Jaci Conry

Are You Compromising Too Often In Your Friendships? by Danielle Page

Enjoy!

Funny Friendship Images/Quotes

Enjoy!



 

Fun Friendship Book

If you're looking for an entertaining and amusing activity to do with your BFFs, I'd recommend getting your hands on 101 Quizzes for BFFs: Crazy Fun Tests To See Who Knows Best! by Natasha Burton.  You can choose from "would you still hang out with me if..." questions and hypothetical "what would you do" situations to truth and dare type of questions and scenarios.  There's also situations in which you have to think fast and give the answer that comes right to your mind.  I like how Burton states in the introduction that there is no right or wrong way to use the book, and that some of the scenarios and questions may not apply to you and your friend.  Therefore, you're welcome to use the book how you see fit based on the type and level of friendship.

I couldn't wait go through the book with one of my best friends, who lives in another state.  I asked some silly questions and then would ask the more serious ones.  By the second or third question, we were giggling like children when she would share her answers.   I liked the variety and how some of the questions led to interesting discussions.  I also gained more knowledge about my best friend, which I appreciated.

Old or young, this book provides an opportunity to get even closer to your BFF (yes, it's possible!) and of course, have a good time!  You may find out even more juicy information about your friend and vice versa.  So go ahead and invite your BFFs over, get Burton's book and be prepared to laugh...A LOT!

Girls

I have received mixed feedback on my Huffington Post article 4 Reasons Why I'm Not Watching The HBO Show Girls This Season.

Some people agree with what I wrote, such that they also could not get into the show; while others expressed reasons why they like the show.

What are your thoughts?