Jealousy and Friendship

I recently came upon an interesting article on jealousy and friendship:
How to Overcome Jealousy Within Friendships by Karen Kleinschmidt

We don't like to admit that we get jealous of our friends, but let's be honest: we do!  Maybe a friend recently got an amazing job promotion or is now dating a very handsome and funny guy OR maybe your friend just won the lottery (hey, stranger things have happened!).  It's normal to feel conflicting feelings for our friends; we feel happy for them but at the same time, we feel jealous.  As it says below, I believe it's important to acknowledge what you're feeling, and if you feel comfortable, to let your friend know.  If you don't, it will start to feel like there's a polka-dotted pink and blue elephant in the room.  In other words, it would be hard to ignore!

An excerpt from the article:

"Jealousy Is Counterproductive

Step 1 

Accept that you feel jealous of your friend. Acknowledge this feeling within yourself and pinpoint what it is that makes you feel this way. Do your best to avoid pushing your jealous feelings away as your friend will likely pick up on your jealousy through facial expressions and/or your actions. Admitting this feeling to yourself will allow you to explore ways to overcome your jealousy.

Step 2 

Take action by telling your friends you are proud of them when they accomplish a goal or something of importance. Face-to-face interaction might be too difficult at first, so a phone call, text or email might be a better route if you fear your jealousy will show.

Step 3

Force yourself to congratulate your friend despite your jealous feelings. Raghunathan said in his article that forcing yourself to act as though you are happy for your friend will help you overcome your feelings of jealousy. It works in the same way as forcing a smile when you are less than happy."

Regarding Step 3, I think it would depend on the friend.  If it's a close friend, I would tell her how I'm feeling rather than pretend I'm feeling something I'm not.  For example, you could say, "I'm thrilled for you but it's bringing up my own struggles with being single/jobless/whatever the situation may be.  I hope you can understand."  In genuine friendships it's important to be truthful about your feelings instead of hiding them.  If it's more of an acquaintance, I'd force myself to put my feelings aside and try to figure out what's going on with me. 

What do you think?  Have you ever felt jealous of a friend?  If so, did you tell her?

The Trouble With Asking For Help

I'm the type of person who wants my friends to come to me if they need advice, support and/or a shoulder to lean on.  However, it's sometimes challenging for me to go to my friends; it's not because I don't think they can offer support or help me, it's because I fear I'll be a burden or become that friend who is complaining or is a Debbie Downer.  I don't know what it's about but I just can't easily ask for help.  Maybe it's a pride thing...whatever it is, I'm trying to work on it and have been reaching out more.

I think it's safe to say that some of us struggle with asking our friends for help and/or sharing stuff we're going through (you know, the icky, negative, not-fun-to-talk-about stuff).  Feeling vulnerable isn't an easy emotion for many women, especially if we fear being judged or rejected or have been in the past.  Add to that, if our friends work full-time, have a family and/or seem to be juggling various responsibilities, we can easily rationalize why we shouldn't be going to them for help.  Sometimes I feel (for lack of a better word) bad for venting or dumping on a friend; even though I know that is what friends are for: to be there for us in good times AND bad.

I recently spoke with a very close friend of mine (I'd even go so far to say she is one of my best friends).  She lives in a different state, so we keep up our friendship via phone calls, emails and text messages.  She is one of few I feel comfortable enough to share my ups and downs, so as I was sharing some emotions and situations I've been experiencing, I told her that I didn't want her to feel I was burdening her.  My friend's response was so heartwarming and accepting that it only validated why I consider her one of my closest friends.  She is the definition of a genuine friend.

Later that same day, I experienced a similar situation with another friend with whom I've known since college.  We met for dinner and since it had been months since we last saw each other, there was a lot to catch up on.  As we both were sharing - our good and bad news - it was amazing to watch how smoothly the night flowed and how much we were on the same page.  I felt confident in sharing with her parts of my life that I hadn't before, which made me feel more connected to her.

The next day, I felt very grateful for these friends I have in my life; friends who genuinely care and want to know not just about the good things, but also about the not-so-good things.  This is what a friendship is about: not being afraid to share one's thoughts and feelings in fear of being judged or the friend running for the hills because it's too much to handle (c'mon, does that really happen?!).  The truth of the matter is that we ALL go through rough times and we ALL need people to be there for us.  We'd be lying to say otherwise.

Have you experienced something similar?  Is it difficult for you to go to your friends for help/advice? 

New Year's Resolutions and Friendship

I found this article from January 2013: 5 Friendship Resolutions to Keep Your Relationships in Shape by Laura Marie Meyes

I agree with what Laura writes, especially #4:
"Know when to forgive and when to let go. 
You're busy, your friends are busy, and it's inevitable that at some point, you may feel disappointed. Practice patience and empathy, and remember that your most important friendships should be more or less unconditional. And if a friendship does start to feel draining or painful, recognize when you need to create some extra distance. No need for dramatic friend breakups — just create the boundaries that feel right for you."

Good advice to remember - not just during the holiday season, but throughout the year.

Wishing everyone a Healthy and Happy New Year!

Hugs and Friendship

 

I am a hugger; I like to hug my friends and family.  When I see close friends, I embrace them and give them a hug that lasts for a few seconds.  For friends that I may not be as close with, the hug does not last as long.  If you hug for too long, it can become awkward...right?!

I have memories of hugs from certain people and I clearly remember the emotions from that hug.  For example, when I was going through a difficult time many years ago, I remember a close friend hugging me while I cried.  I was still sad, but I felt a burst of energy and love from this friend.  It's amazing what hugs can provide in times of crisis or need.  Furthermore, I've given hugs when I felt the friend needed it.

Hugs can say so much more than words can, especially when we're not sure what to say.  Hugs can provide emotional and physical comfort, and it sends a message of affection, connection and friendship.  There's something very intense about a hug, especially with a close friend.

However, I realize not everyone likes to hug and is the huggy-type; it depends on the person.  Some of my friends just don't seem to like to hug and even though we may be close, the hug is more of a quick thing and not an embrace.  It truly depends on the person and the comfort level she has with physical touch.  It's one of those things you notice right away about your friends. 

What are your thoughts on hugs?  Do you hug your friends or are you not the huggy-type?

Female Friendships on TV

This is a great article about female friendships on TV:

'Parks and Rec' and other 9 shows with female friendships that do us proud by Rachel Simon

Because of my love for New Girl, I would have added Jess and Cece.  I also would have included Rachel, Monica and Phoebe from Friends.  The list would not have been complete without the fabulous women from Sex and the City, so I'm glad they made the cut!

What do you think?  Did you feel there were any female friendships left out that should have been on that list?

Friendship With Men vs. Women

An old friend from high school shared with me that for a long time, she only had male friends, which was easier for her to maintain than female friends.  For me, I find that my male friendships do seem easier.  I have one very close male friend with whom the relationship seems to flow naturally; even though we live in different states, I feel the friendship is solid and drama-free.  Thus, I can understand why women sometimes prefer male friends over female ones.

I find this topic interesting because there is a difference when it comes to having male and female friends.  I often hear women discuss how they can't stand the drama of some of their female friends, and so they spend more time with their male friends.  But as we all know, males can have drama too!

I also believe that when females have been hurt by other females, they may be more inclined to seek out male friendships due to past painful experiences.  There is a fear of entering into another friendship that may end badly.  I can understand that mentality, however, we can't let our fears get in the way of potential positive friendships.

I think there are benefits to having both male and female friends, and having a healthy balance of both.

What do you think?  Do you prefer one group over the other?  If so, is it because of your friendship experiences?

Friendship Quote of the Week

"Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead.  Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow.  Just walk beside me and be my friend."
~Albert Camus